A Love Letter to a Psychopath

Are all of us who strive to be better
Really just trying to get away from the muck that someone else tried to cover us in?
Are we in fact fine as we are
Without the striving?
Are we trying frantically to clean the muck off others too?
Is this place somewhere where people who are full of rage try and smear it on people who are clean, like so much dirt?
People who have no feelings but hatred and contempt projectile vomit it all over us
And leave us cleaning it off ourselves for years and years?
Yes it is.
However none of us who took your sh*t actually have any of it on us

Even though that’s what you want to believe.
I have none of your sh*t on me
It’s all still stuck to you like glue,
It’s all still covering up your soul and making you stink as a person.

You see I projected on to you too - the part of me that I rejected.

I believed that inside of you there was a warm and beautiful soul whose desire was connection and to create something wonderful out of that sacred union of souls….

But I should have recognised that was me; the part that predators hate,

the part that elicits jealousy from all those who sip bitterness for breakfast, and wear inadequacy.

The rejected self I carried around for decades not owning because it made most people too uncomfortable to be in the company of kindness.

I should have walked away from them instead of myself.

Unknowingly I made that exiled part of myself walk ahead of me, having no body to inhabit, and when I looked at other people I saw her and not them.

Just like your rejected self, the part of you that people say is bad, walks ahead of you and imprints itself on everyone it sees,

and you think they are all liars out to destroy and deceive.

Because in all the delusion of your grandeur it can’t possibly be you that is rotten,

No, you think the flies are buzzing around everyone else.

My belief that everyone is a benevolent soul just waiting for the chance to prove it shattered as I searched in the soil for the seed that might be there, just waiting to be watered with an inkling of wonderment; maybe it just needs some warmth?

A well directed ray of sunshine?…..

But it had that, it had love in spades and there was no sprouting,

not a tiny hint of growth even,

nothing grew,

everything withered.

Proof that we maybe all start this journey all soul seedless until one day a spark ignites from the realisation that we could be more and then we notice the invitation that was there all along that we didn’t notice.

A hand goes out to grasp the envelope on the table out of curiosity and we slowly open it as a bright glow appears from inside,

and we understand that this means a different way of being,

and that tiny spark that took so long to ignite after a multitude of lifetimes of constantly striking against rocks

longs to join the greater fire and set everything ablaze with a passion for life,

a revolution of love and connectedness.

I believe we all have the same chance to accept that invitation.

I believe that my soul accepted that invitation a long, long time ago,

and this is the best place to prove it, around those who wish to still reject it.

You hate that because the darkness that is in you can sense it.

It thinks that I think I’m better than you because I choose love over hate,

and it can’t stand to be thought of as ‘less than’.

It possesses a fragility that it fears above all else.

It knows that when light enters such a vessel it shatters;

that a dark room is no longer dark when a simple switch is flicked.

It hates love - ironically seeing it as a weakness and yet….you are the very personification of a failing theory in evolution that control of everything makes you the winner.

No, it’s cooperation that everything is based on.

And now I see the flaw in the Devil’s plan….

And the fundamental truth that if I acknowledge the Devil then by that same token I have just declared that God exists and both are a choice we have to make.

My choice between rejecting you and accepting me.

My choice between choosing love means walking away from disdain, putting down my own cup of bitterness, as part of me clearly needed this growth, the path of unconditional love that I chose.

You are my venerated teacher.

You see you can’t fundamentally alter me,
Only I can alter me.
Not even all your alters could alter me even though they tried,
Because you cannot destroy the essence of somebody,
You cannot destroy pure energy.
So don’t be fooled by the fact that here on earth you are surrounded by objects and things that can be smashed,
That’s only one layer of reality,
One level,
That’s the shallow layer -
Shallow like your affect.
A projection of you in a sense.
However there is something much much deeper
Of which you cannot comprehend,
Which you can’t sense or feel yet because you haven’t developed those senses.
Maybe It takes millennia to really feel it deeply
To understand the sheer vastness and depth and breadth of layers and layers of infinite never ending time and distance spanning an eternity that knows no time or distance that you could hold in the palm of your hand if you wanted to, and yet understand that not only are you holding it, that it is holding you in a paradox that no one can possibly fathom.
But it can be felt.
And within that there is a love that binds all things together and creates beauty so indescribable that here it can only translate as a hint of a feeling you get when you see an eclipse or a stunning sunset, or a double rainbow, or when you fall into the scent of a rose - or hear a perfect chord.
None of which you can see or hear
Because you stand alone in your world, isolated from all of it, disconnected from it.
I pity you because you are alone in there and it feels like a vast cold emptiness, and you will remain that way until you have evolved and become more complex in your feelings - until you can feel joy, love, empathy and want to create happiness instead of spreading hate and lies.
The simple folly of that seems to escape you.
How profane it is,
Like robbing the jewellery store,
You come to a place of infinite beauty where you meet people who carry inside of them vastly beautiful diamonds of pure loving energy and you try and steal it for yourself.
You desperately want what we have
And you don’t understand that we created those diamonds ourselves,
They represent our trials and tribulations - our loves and losses - our hopes and fears that we have overcome and our perceptions of the highest vibrations that exist.
When we realised that we wanted to be connected and aligned with growth and the greater love that exists, well, that was when we started to sparkle.

I am angry at you for attempting to defile me.

You led me down a winding path of darkness and I innocently followed holding a light of hope to shine the way, but I had no idea of where we were headed.

I see now that your destination was already mapped out.

You lead people to their destruction,

and you try to snuff out the light to plunge their soul into the same abyss that yours exists in,

bringing us down to your level.

But you did not succeed.

I saw into the abyss but it is not a place where I can reside, because I have what you do not, I possess a diamond that cannot be crushed by mere dirt.

It prevents me from stooping through low gateways; from entering into the unhallowed halls that you frequent.

I’m ready now for the journey back to myself;

the journey back to love,

to wholeness,

call it what you will,

but I will be welcomed into the arms of the divine that exists behind the thin veil of hatred placed over me by your deception.

I breathe out light, and it dissolves.

I consciously embrace the learning, the healing, the questions, the answers, the searching, the finding, and then offering what I can to those left in the wake of all this pointless destruction.

This life of mine is just one step on the infinite spiral pathway of evolution,

a micro-spiral in amongst an infinite number of spirals,

fractals of spirals.

I hope that blows your mind when you see it for the nano-second before you fall.

I will leave you to ponder whilst I reassemble, regroup and resurge.

I can get out of this churning sea of grief that people are not who I hoped they were.

 The waves calm as I reach a point of understanding and clarity.

I reach the shore and step out on to warmth and stability.

I head for a mountain to get a better view, now I must climb.

Thank you for the perspective.

Thank you for showing me the darkness that exists so I know where to shine my light.

Thank you for showing me what I needed to heal.

Thank you for showing me just how much I can love,

what I can move on from,

and whether I am capable of forgiving.

With gratitude.

Farewell.